You are not your stories

Have you ever wondered what your life would’ve been like if you were born in a different part of the world? Or if you were born into a different family?  Or into a different culture or social class?

I think we all have at some point. Whether because we realise how good we have it compared to other people and we are happy we are not them or because we wish we were them and had their status, money, etc.

However, these are all circumstances that are outside of our control. It is just what it is whether we like it or not.

The same is true for our life experiences. A lot of the things that happen to us, we have absolutely no control over. Maybe your parents got divorced, you suffered abuse or you lost a loved one – these are all experiences you can’t control.

What’s within our control, however, is our attitude towards what it is and what happens to us.

The problem is that sometimes we don’t realise how we internalise our experiences and what our patterns of behaviour are as a consequence. Thus our experiences oftentimes affect us much more deeply than we know.

What do I mean by that?

We’ve all had our fair share of hardships and struggles and consequently fears and weaknesses. But many of us tend to take what we experience and turn it into Who we are.

We start to identify ourselves with the person who felt a certain way when this or that happened.

For example, say you were mocked at school as a child and that was a deeply painful experience for you. That pain may have stayed with you and shaped your perception of who you are. When you were mocked you might have felt ugly, stupid, clumsy (or whatever else you were mocked for).  The chances are, the whole experience made you feel weak and victimised.  And you may not realise it or admit it but this has left a mark on you. Even today you may still tend to fall into the mode of being a victim, of being weak. Maybe you even still believe you are stupid or ugly or whatever else it may be.

Worse! Not only do you feel that way, you act and behave as the victim, as somebody who is weak and in a disadvantaged position. That’s the extent to which you have identified yourself with “the mocked child”.

And this is just one of the stories you’ve told yourself and you’ve believed in – the story where you are a victim and you are helpless. We all have many stories that have shaped us into who we are because we have believed them. Because we have identified with them.

But you are not your stories. These are just stories. Stories purely based on the pain you’ve felt at some point in your life. They are not a true depiction of yourself, they are not a depiction of yourself at all. You are bigger than these stories.

It’s essential that you understand that and detach from them. These  stories are detrimental is so many ways as they:

Affect all spheres of your life.

If you feel like a victim, you will act like one with everybody. With your partner, your colleagues, your friends, your children, your boss, people you encounter daily – everyone. You put yourself in a position of weakness, in a position of someone who can’t control their life. Maybe your behaviour will be such that people should feel sorry for you and you wouldn’t be able to own up to a mistake and accept fault because you feel you are powerless and it’s always just the circumstances. Thus, you are not able to deal with people, situations and emotions in a healthy way but from the mindset of a victim. This hinders you personally and professionally because it affects all your relationships. And it may even cause you to lose good people in your life because of your attitude and behaviour.

Make you blind to your authentic self.

When you feel like a victim you internalise all that happens to you through the eyes of a victim. You are in a position of weakness and you are sensitive to the smallest conflicts and difficulties in your life. This adds to the pain and only strengthens your perception of being a victim., somebody who is helpless and can’t control their life. At the same time, chances are there is a voice inside you that tells you, you are more than that; because you are more than that. This could be confusing and unsettling. But also, it precludes you from seeing your true self, understanding yourself and the unique talents and gifts you bring to this world. Your focus has been shifted to the role of a victim you’ve adopted and you can’t be anything beyond that. Consequently, you cannot realise your full potential.

Prevent you from achievement.

When you believe you are the victim and you are weak, ugly, stupid or whatever else it may be, you act from a place of weakness because you are in that mindset. You don’t have confidence, you don’t have courage. You don’t believe you can be more, and achieve more. You don’t let yourself dream and go for things. And that is a very real problem because by feeling small, you deprive yourself from the opportunity to achieve. It feels like you are wasting your life, you want to do so much but don’t dare do it. This makes you unhappy but you feel powerless to change your attitude and take a step. You may not quite understand why you feel less than others but you are convinced that you are somehow and you don’t know how to overcome that. And this only reaffirms your perception of being a victim. It’s a vicious circle.

But again – you are not your stories. Try to understand and remember that going forward.

Your stories are like an outer skin. They’ve become a part of you so much, you can’t even tell them from who you are. You’ve identified with them and they suffocate you, taking away your potential. They prevent you from being your true self. They take away your power. They make you act from a position of weakness.

So what is your story? What stories do you tell yourself? What stories about yourself do you tell others?

Maybe even more importantly – what stories do you never tell others?

Oftentimes, the stories that affect us the most are so painful that we never say them out loud. Just think about these stories too. Think about how you perceive yourself and ask others how they perceive you. Often we are unaware of how we are and how we behave.

Now that you understand a little bit better what role you’ve accepted to play in life, understand that this is nothing but a role based on a wrong perception. This is just a story, not the reality. And it is time to let it go.

A truth as simple as that will free you, place you in a better position,  help you realise your potential and open doors you never imagined you had the power to open.